i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Did I show you my penis last night?
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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