I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
