im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
