So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
