I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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