I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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