you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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