Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
