census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
