dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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