I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
