I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
