I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
