i already hear my dad disowning me
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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