I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
