Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
