Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Randomize
