a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Randomize
