I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
