He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
