make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
