He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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