based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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