in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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