Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
