i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
