I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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