She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
