my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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