9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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