is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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