Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
