a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
