i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
