We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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