fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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