I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
