sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
