I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
