The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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