Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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