Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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