No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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