There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
