he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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