saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
