Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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