The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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