Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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