Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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