Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
