Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
