I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
